Ivan Shows His True Colors Defects to DarkSide

By Iron Orr on 10/29/2009

FNHC WIRE - TRENTON, MI - It appeared to be a Friday Night Hockey night like any other as the players and goalies filed in to Rink C for this week's much anticipated event. With the LiteSide off to a dominating 2-0 record, and the DarkSide looking for its first W of the young season, the tension in the crisp hockey arena air was palpable.

Another strong turnout by both clubs was evident as locker rooms 2 and 4 were loaded to capacity. The LiteSide locker room was more animated than the week before, the club buoyed by its fast start. The DarkSide room was deadly quiet as the soulless hockey hellions searched their dark inner being for the rugged toughness exemplified by their hockey icon Eddie Shore.

In an evil twist of LiteSide fate, Phat Ivan summarily announced: "I'm going dark tonight," as he donned a black jersey and slithered out the LiteSide locker room door leaving a trail of slimy sludge-like goo on the floor. "Deserter!" yelled Frey. "Punk." spat Mo. "Screw him," said Mailman as he ripped a long fart to punctuate his thought. "We don't need his wishy-washy ass anyways."

While the teams warmed up, it was plainly obvious that the LiteSide could have used the services of the once-proud LiteSider. The DarkSide had their #1 goaltender, Gump, back between the pipes. Their A and B lines were loaded with skill players on the offensive end and defensive stalwarts behind. The DarkSide C line of Slava, La Package, Wolverine and Vito was significantly improved with the addition of the traitorious Ivan added to its ranks. One look at the LiteSide lineup and the imbalance of skill and experience was painfully evident. The LiteSide did have one thing going for them: Dano was in net for the third week in a row.

When the traditional call to hockey action "Let's go!" resounded through the rink, the LiteSide nightmare began. Domi picked up where he left off the week before, shredding the LiteSide from end to end and scoring a natural hat trick on his first three rushes. Then the loose-lipped Batman scored top shelf and hollered: "How'd you like that one Mo? Get used to it. There's more to come tonight!" The LiteSide had no answer in the first period and the Saloka Scoring Units blazed the damning evidence. DarkSide 6 - LiteSide 1.

At the start of the second period, it looked like more of the same for the LiteSide. 7-1; 8-1. It was going to be a long night. "Mailman!," Mo shouted on the LiteSide bench, "you're going to have to look to score every time; we've got no one else who can put the puck in the net." Mailman heeded Mo's call to arms and Brutus Buckeye and Pronger took notice as their hockey manhood was subtly called into question. The LiteSide A line offensive trio stepped up to the challenge and responded with 3 quick goals to make it 8-4. The LiteSide's hope was restored.

The two teams exchanged goals in the final minutes of the second period and the score was 12-7 going into the last period. "We're in great shape, said DarkSide Captain La Package during the intermission interview. "With Ivan joining the DarkSide it decimated their defense and shored ours up. I expect smooth sailing in the third period."

If not for another tremendous performance by Dano, the prediction of La Package would have been 100% true. Time and again, the LiteSide would score and cut the DarkSide lead. But as they relaxed to celebrate their most recent goal, the DarkSide would push the puck up ice to ToolTime cherry picking like George Washington at the LiteSide blue line and bang! another DarkSide goal to nullify the LiteSide efforts. "Come on guys, SOMEONE's got to get back on D!" Pronger the LiteSide Captain screamed.

But Pronger's breath was wasted as the LiteSide's frantic attempts to score only resulted in more defensive failures. "Without Ivan on our side to cover the backside D, we were toast. The guys were making the effort, but were just no match for the offensive skills of the DarkSide," Mailman said as the buzzer sounded to end the game. "They got us this week, but we'll be back next week and ready to play some defense."

The teams skated to a common exit door to hit the showers. As the players bunched up to squeeze through the narrow passage, Mo turned around to look at the final score once more: 17-15 DarkSide. "Hey Mo," Batman blurted in his best Shemp impression, "how do you get two goals?" "Easy," said Mo, "I just hit the unlock button on the key fob twice whenever we score."